Each of us has had to deal with it at some point in our lives. It has happened before that we have put our trust in someone we did not deserve, only to realize we were being taken advantage of. Regardless of who deceived us, whether a family member, a long-term partner, a business partner, or an employee, we feel betrayed and hurt. And worst of all, we feel guilty. The question we ask ourselves is, “What’s wrong with me that I allowed this to happen?”. It turns out there is nothing to be concerned about. It means that you are an honest person if you have been taken for a ride by a skilled liar or master manipulator. Researchers study this trait and call it Honesty-Humility, explains Anita Kelly, Ph.D., in a Psychology Today blog post. “Individuals who are high on this trait are sincere, modest, fair-minded, and without greed.” It is not in their nature to exploit others, even when there would be no retaliation. On the other hand, individuals who exhibit this trait at the lowest level are dishonest, arrogant, and haughty. Kelly writes that those who lack empathy tend to deny that others are honest, thereby making it easier for them to manipulate us. Research has shown that the more decent we are ourselves, the easier it is for manipulators to deceive us. If we believe that others have the same perspectives as we do, we may be inclined to respect liars. It is also true the other way around, she says. They perceive that the rest of the world is just as dishonest as they are, and so they consider even honest partners to be a target. When you factor in the fact that dishonest people are often narcissists who have spent their whole lives learning how to appear trustworthy and charming, you’d be surprised at how high the odds are of you being taken in by a narcissist. Is there a way you can cope with it if it happens to you?
1. Forgive yourself for being fooled.
I know it’s not easy to do that. A number of years ago I married a man who was a compulsive liar, only to discover some time later how much he had lied to me about himself. When I married, it very much disrupted my personal life, and the disruption it caused in the lives of my family and friends left me feeling so guilty that I wished I could The problem of the harm he caused me took me some time to understand, and it took a lot of education about liars and abusers for me to realize that it was solely his fault.
2. Don’t give a known liar the benefit of the doubt.
When you’ve seen a Hollywood movie, it may go against everything you have learned. With films such as Sullivan’s Travels and Maid in Manhattan, the silver screen is rife with heroes who make up their identities to land a good job or partner. As soon as they are found out, they are invariably forgiven, and they remain upright for the rest of their lives. Even though it seems impossible to imagine in Movieland, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen in real life. If someone has consistently lied to you, he or she isn’t likely to start being honest just because a few of those lies have been exposed, or even if they have admitted to them. When deciding whether or not to deal with a liar in the future, keep this in mind.
3. Learn the basics of deception detection.
There is no way to keep you from being swindled again with this. When you learn to identify the facial expressions, phrases, and behavior that tend to signal when someone is lying, you will be one step ahead. (Here are five tips to help you spot a liar quickly.)
4. Stop being shy about checking things out.
I found it very uncomfortable asking him to prove the veracity of anything he said to me, and this made me more vulnerable to my ex-husband. It can feel like you’re projecting mistrust when you request references, bank account statements, on-site inspections, or other independent confirmations to back up your claims. You may be worried that you will hurt or alienate the other person by asking for such a kind act. The thing about liars is that they are aware of this concern and they take advantage of it-“I’m so sorry that you do not trust me,” was often what my ex-husband If someone is honest, he or she will rarely hesitate to offer proof or confirmation of what they say. Lies are often quick to offer you the opportunity to verify what they tell you, knowing that most honest individuals will not do so. If someone offers to have your references, past history, or anything else checked, always take them up on their offer.
5. Don’t change who you are.
As a result of being deceived, it is difficult not to become a person of mistrust My best friend is my first husband and I couldn’t bring myself to trust anyone I didn’t know well. In addition, I found it difficult to relate to new people while harboring suspicions toward I spent most of my time alone since I had moved from NYC to Woodstock in the aftermath of “our breakup.” I was all alone because I was surrounded by new people. Over time, I realized that looking at the world with suspicion was harming me more than helpful. It has made me somewhat more cautious, but I am still just as honest as I always was, and I continue to see people as trustworthy, at least until I learn otherwise. If being deceived makes you distant from others, it means you have let that person change how you live your life. As a result, you let them take away what you should value most. And you gave them more power than they deserved.